Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Yeeaaaarrrrrrrrr!

NaBloPoMo Topic #18: "Which would you rather get first - your peg leg or your hook?"

Ahh, let us skip right over the immortal question: Pirate or Ninja? and go straight to the assumption of piratehood. It so happens I'm a Ninja of the 12th Nakarro. Of course you don't know what that means, and don't try to find it on Google. We are a unique legion of incredibly talented and swift Ninja with top secret connections. We are the guardians of the Illuminati and the keepers of lost kittens.

But this is about pirates, isn't it?

Well, it might be easy to simply say peg leg. Why? It's easier to manage your balance if you have two hands, isn't it? Not to mention adjusting your leg when needed, hemming pants, etc. So,

Presenting: Michael J. Rigg's TOP 10 PIRATE LIMB REPLACEMENTS:

  1. JACK SPOONER - Scourge of the red sea, Captain Jack favored an eye patch.

  2. CRAZED JACK JACKSON - Stayed mostly in port. He favored two eye patches, both over the right eye.

  3. BLIND JACK MCBAD - Sailed around the Isle of White until he threw up. Named so because he sported two eye patches (one over each eye).

  4. JACK THE CAT - Had a Calico cat on deck with him. The cat had three peg legs.

  5. CAPTAIN JOHN THE JACKASS - Famed for seizing Captain Jack the Cat's ship, tossing the cat overboard, and standing there laughing as the cat tried to swim with three peg legs. John The Jackass had all of his body parts (but often picked his nose).

  6. TRADER JACK - A pirate who pretended to be a tradesman on the open seas, then seized ships. Trader Jack had a wooden pinky finger and silver teeth.

  7. JACK THE TRAITOR - His name was self-explanatory, but there was no explanation for his buttock replacement. Jack the Traitor had an ass made of two hollowed-out cannonball shells.

  8. JACK MORISSETTE - A French pirate who always kept one hand in his pocket. The other one was usually doing something else.

  9. SERGEANT JACK - Never made it to Captain Jack status, Sgt. Jack had three peg toes and one peg leg. And, rather than a hook, when Trader Jack took his hand, Sgt. Jack had it replaced with a feather duster. Why? "Aar, to keep me sovereigns clean. Arrrr."

  10. BOB SMITH - Angered because he wasn't named Jack by his parents (who were also pirates and should have known better), Bob had a wooden ear and a hook knee. He was kicked off his hacky-sack team at age 13.
And now I must leave. I'm receiving the secret Ninja call.

Comin', fellas! NaaahhhhIIIIiiiiiiiinnnooooooooo!

Tomorrow!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

HEAR and now

NaBloPoMo Topic #17: "The Present"

Okay, nothing goofy this time. This is the perfect opportunity for me to talk about the projects I have--or don't have--going on right now. And, to take advantage of the new NaBloPoMo readers to do a little self-marketing (insert major winky-face).

Presenting: Michael J. Rigg's TOP 10 THINGS I'M DOING IN THE PRESENT:

  1. Editing An Angel for Sara Dawn. My second "blognovel," Sara Dawn stands "published" for free as a first draft. You can find it at michaelrigg.com. I'm currently saving up for some printer cartridges so I can re-print the manuscript and go through it for an edit and possible....

  2. ...entry as a podcast novel. I'm currently torn between sprucing up and editing Sara Dawn to read as an "audio book" via podiobooks.com, or to shelve it next to August Winter (my first blognovel, also free at michaelrigg.com). I would then concentrate on my "favorite child..."

  3. ...One Dark Chance. The first part of a massive, twisty novel series that takes place over decades, ODC was my "perfected" novel back in 1994. I had previously written three manuscripts that I had sent out, but each one had flaws. ODC was the culmination of a lot of practice. Sure, she still needs work, but I'm charged for the task. The other three novels included The Crescent House, War of Wishes, and...

  4. ...Our Enemy's Eyes (code named: "Below"), which I have been contemplating recently as the next "rough" blognovel. But, I'll have to juggle all that with...

  5. ...my long-awaited podcast show, tentatively called, "PODCASTINATION." It's going to be a show about writing and the creative process, and also about procrastination, how to beat it and--more importantly--how to make it work for you. Naturally, that's all smoke and mirrors until I actually...

  6. ...get behind the microphone. Which I have! I've done a couple of dry runs, testing the sound of my voice, eliminating buzz in the background, etc. I may be setting up an interview guest this weekend, but I'll also have to decide what I'm going to do about my...

  7. ...music bed. So, it's a good thing I've been practicing my guitar a lot lately. My new found love for guitar sparked when I discovered Jonathan Coulton recently. I'm picking it up and diddling the strings a bit here and there--which is more than I can say for...

  8. ...working out. Okay, I'm going to skip over this one. Suffice to say this is one of those things I have not been doing lately. I am working on another creative project, however...

  9. ...that I'm not going to talk about. Sorry, folks, but don't you think I've prattled on long enough about stuff I'm working on? Where's the beef!? I'm sure everyone wants to know how ODC turns out, how Sara Dawn will change--and sound--and what the next blognovel's going to be. Well, at least...

  10. ...I'm keeping up with the Baby Blue Spider. This blog has really been juiced up since NaBloPoMo. I appreciate the game and look forward to next time. Oh, by the way, I almost forgot to mention...

  11. Alanis Morissette.


Ha! LOLZ.

See ya, NaBlos!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

Monday, November 16, 2009

Life in haikai verse....

NaBloPoMo Topic #16: "Write a Haiku"


Alanis my love,

my blog posts are cold poems.

Restraining order.




This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen Knotted...HAIR!

NaBloPoMo Topic #15: "What Color Hair Would You Really Want"

Simple. Any. Why do you think I'm so into Alanis Morissette? You think it's her singing or her beauty? Pfft. It's her HAIR, man, her HAIR!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

How to Lose a Fight

NaBloPoMo Topic #14: "5 Ways to Lose a Fight"

I can't stop at five! Besides, when it comes to losing fights, I'm an expert. Ask everyone I've beaten--ha harrrrr arrrrrrr!

Let's see. There are different kinds of fights. There are physical punch-duck-jab fights; there are arguments; there are fights against impossible odds; fights to kick a habit....

Ah, screw it. Let me just get to the point.

Presenting: Michael J. Rigg's TOP 10 WAYS TO LOSE ANY FIGHT:

  1. The easiest way: Find someone larger, smarter or wittier and simply push the appropriate buttons. In defense, simply repeat, "That all ya got!?"

  2. Attend a music awards show dressed like Kenye West.

  3. Learn how to say, "Hello, I'd like to ask you a question" in American Sign Language. Find a group of already-irritated deaf people. Sign the question to them, then continue signing nonsensically, throwing in the middle finger every other gesture. Be persistent and act like you really know what you're talking about.

  4. Write a racial slur on the side of your car as large as you can. Honk and wave at everyone regardless of race. That's it. It doesn't matter where you drive or what group the slur is aimed at. Within a distance of 20 miles, you will lose a fight at some point.

  5. Call Mike Tyson a sissy pants to his face. Make sure you pronounce it "thithy panth" and use a high pitched voice.

  6. Challenge yourself to a board game. Cheat.

  7. The next time you're arguing with your spouse or loved one, say this: "There is NO WAY I am going to lose this fight."

  8. Get the cops to chase you (doesn't matter how). If you're in a car, hop out and let them chase you on foot. Once the closest cop gets within 20 feet, stop, turnaround, and point a small black object in their direction (like a comb or Milky Way bar). Shout, "Stop right there, pig, or I'll shoot!" [WARNING: This will not only help you lose a fight, it will get you dead].

  9. Try to kiss someone of the same sex: 1) In front of their friends, 2) While they're drunk, 3) Preferably in a redneck bar.

  10. Send a dictionary to Alanis Morissette with "ironic" bookmarked and underlined. Include a note with your home address and the message: "I just DARE you to call the cops on me."
From the guy who lost the fight to get this written two days ago when it was due.

Later, NaBlos!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Cause of Charity

NaBloPoMo Topic #13: "Cause(s) Close to Your Heart"

I know I'm behind, NaBlos. Not to worry. I plan on catching up the next couple of days.

I typically give a total of $23,043.37 per month to the following causes, give or take 23 grand or so.

Presenting: Michael J. Rigg's TOP 10 CAUSES CLOSE TO MY HEART:

  1. FAPS (the Film Anti-Preservation Society) - Doing away with films that should not be allowed to exist. For example, the movies of Ed Wood, Coleman Francis, Earl Warren and George Lucas. We are raising money to make sure these films are transferred to volatile silver nitrate stock and stored someplace warm and salty... like a cheese factory.

  2. SNPK (Save the North Pole Kittens) - Not many people know about this charity. We raise money to rescue kittens stranded at the North Pole. Did you know over 400,000 kittens die there every year? It's true. And that's why I send $100 per month to a P.O. Box in Utah.

  3. BOSS (Box of Silly String) - Silly String is highly flammable. Just check out YouTube, you'll see. This is a group sworn to find, collect, and store Silly String in large cardboard boxes. We keep them at Tim's place in the basement next to the water heater.

  4. GFFG (Girl Friends For Gamers) - There is an epidemic in our country. Thousands of teenagers grow up in their mother's basements eating Cheetos and sipping Monster, battling hordes of demons and virtual drug dealers. Never knowing the rejection of a real person they can't simply delete or blow away, these kids grow into middle aged men living in their mother's basements eating Cheetos and sipping Monster.

  5. DARE (Dogs And Rare Elk) - An organization often confused with the other D.A.R.E., DaRE provides much needed colorful pet sweaters and antler warmers to dogs and various rare elk.

  6. FINLAND (First Inuit Natives Learn Another Necessary Device) - Not too many people know about FINLAND. We are a cause dedicated to teaching native Alaskan Inuits the art of peripherals. Have an Inuit with a CPU crammed with video files? We teach them how to own and operate an external hard drive.

  7. ALANIS (Alienate Lesser-known Artists Now In Sanitariums) - Sometimes musicians go a little... bonkers. And you just have to completely alienate them out of their craziness, especially the ones who go crazy before they really make it big, or early in their career when they become forgetful or don't know the definition of ironic.

  8. UFOANSS (UFOs Are Not Space Ships) - I was a UFO investigator for three or four years back in the 80s and the one thing that stood out to me the most was the notion most of my peers had that UFOs are piloted by little gray men with big eyes. Hello? Did someone miss the definition: UNIDENTIFIED Flying Objects.

  9. JPEG (Just Print Everything Gray) - A cause to which I belong that gives great pride and support to colorblind pressmen and printing specialists.

  10. TEN LIST (Tell Everyone Not to List In Sections of Ten) - Pretty much. Enough with the top ten lists.
Ahh. It feels good to give.

Later, NaBlos!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

High school wasn't as tasty

NaBloPoMo Topic #12: "How has your life as an adult turned out differently than what you had anticipated in high school?"

Well, I never thought I'd be married to a wonderful, loving wife, that's for sure! I never thought I'd be as truly happy as I am now, even when things are rough, unsettling or challenging.

I never thought I'd be chosen by NASA to represent the "baldness gene" aboard the first Generation Ship.

I never thought I'd become a Mormon.

I never thought I'd bite my own tongue and develop an overpowering taste for human flesh, a taste that lead me to become a cannibal.

I never thought I'd meet ten other wonderful women, all of whom were Mormon, none of whom were cannibals... marry them and eat them.

Presenting: Michael J. Rigg's TOP 10 MORMON CANNIBAL ASTRONAUT RECIPES FOR DINNERS FEATURING YOUR EX WIVES (~or~) Michael J. Rigg's TOP WAY TO CONCEIVE OF, AND TREMENDOUSLY STRETCH TO LUDICROUS PROPORTIONS, A THINLY CREATED PREMISE:

  1. Wife 1 (Rachel) - A bit thin on the bone, I prepared Rachel with a little chestnut and lemon juice. She had a kind of fishy texture, but went down as smooth as slick jerky.

  2. Wife 2 (Joan) - Diced and covered with a warm port sauce. Joanie was an awesome compliment to a wheel of goude we received as a wedding present. Mmm, if only she could've enjoyed it.

  3. Wife 3 (Terri) - Prepared lovingly with onion and garlic clover--although I have to admit I went a little too heavy with both. I had the Territrots for days.

  4. Wife 4 (Marti) - For the time we were together, I gave Marti everything she wanted. Consequently, she spoiled and I had to throw her out.

  5. Wife 5 (Diana) - The inspiration for my Diana character in "One Dark Chance," it was really hard for me to go through with it. So, to make her last a while, I froze half of her. The rest I segmented and split between soup, bacon, and my favorite--Diana Bleu Benedictin.

  6. Wife 6 (Tabitha) - Tabby was prepared with some smooth Damablanc cheese I got from friends Brad and Carly in Canada. I invited them down for dinner and they could not believe what I could do with meatloaf. As Brad was sopping up some juice with his olive-wine bread, he asked, "So, where's Tabs?" I couldn't resist: "You're soaking in her." I haven't heard from them in awhile. Don't know why.

  7. Wife 7 (Ceilia) - Brushed every 15 minutes with a mixture of hollandaise and veloute, Cee was one of my favorite dishes. Served with a Zinfandel, she was the perfect light dish for any late night meal.

  8. Wife 8 (Bonnie) - Bonnie was a trucker in life. She hauled gas for Exxon and always smelled of diesel. I tried a long marinade with lemon and a California Cabernet. I ended up using the deep fryer and going off my diet for awhile.

  9. Wife 9 (Alanis) - Who wants breakfast!? I do! I do! Morissausage it is. Sausage links on the side with a little Diana, thawed and rolled into an omelet with onions, peppers, mushrooms and cheddar cheese.

  10. Wife 10 (Melanie) - Still with me. But considering her love of ice-cream, I'm thinking a nice dessert featuring hot fudge and caramel, crunchy topping, fresh fruit, and a cream cheese crust. Mm'mm.
Thanks to Moose for inspiring the bizarre off-shoot on this otherwise simple topic.

On a more serious note, if changing anything in high school means changing where I am today... I wouldn't change a thing. I am so blessed to have the wife and family I have now. I absolutely adore my step kids (even the one I rarely see) and my in-laws (particularly because they feel like a real mom and real brothers and sisters).

PS - No wives were harmed during the making of this blog.

Talk to you tomorrow, NaBlos!


This blog post brought to you by The Greater Region NaBloPoMo Team

(We didn't actually come up with a name, but collectively that's us)


During the month of November, we're all blogging on the same topics day to day as part of National Blog Posting Month. Thank you for endorsing the continued entertainment of the Baby Blue Spider. Please visit the links of my friends and check out their takes on today's topic.

http://aaleecetaylor.blogspot.com - amanda
http://www.art5y.com - april
http://www.bluehighlights.com - 'becca
http://pekaboosmiles.blogspot.com -beth
http://bectaylorhouse.blogspot.com" - erin
http://jenalo.blogspot.com - jen
http://jodyverhagen.blogspot.com - jody
http://blog.kowburger.com - joe
http://www.xanga.com/internetdrifter - jonathan
http://web.me.com/mrs.hittle/My_husbands_wife/NaBloPoMo09/NaBloPoMo09.html - laure
http://thematernalmoose.com - matt
http://melanierigg.blogspot.com - melanie
http://babybluespider.blogspot.com - mikey
http://circleeverything.blogspot.com - patti
http://hollykoster.blogspot.com - holly